Siamese Soul – Revised

Siamese Soul – revised, 2018-2023

I lost my oldest sibling in a car accident many years ago. I thought I lost him forever but a few years after his death I became acutely aware of our inexplicable bond and connection with each. One of the closest places I saw this bond reflected was when learning about and observing twins. I wanted to explore this almost otherworldly connection that twins have with each other to try and capture this intangible feeling I have been experiencing with my brother. In this series I am exploring our “soul” connection and I am hoping that it would bring some form of comfort to those who have also lost loved ones especially siblings at a young age, to be reminded that even after unbearable trauma and grief, in time it can be transformed into a different kind of connection with them, a depth of connection that can be very healing.

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  Sisters blinking in sync, 2019.
   
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  A photo of my brother playing with a toy gun, 2023; Sisters' Secret, 2018.
   

  A photo of my brother playing with a toy gun, 2023.

  I have always felt slightly disturbed when looking at this image. The gun immediately evokes a sense of violence which reminds me of the violent way my brother died. It is also unsettling seeing a child holding a gun and in army gear, even though it is all dress up play. It makes me think of young men who are expected to join the army and go to war. Even as young as 16, my own grandfather had to go to war at the age of 16. I draw a link between the enormity of what that must be like for them having to deal with this and what I had to face at a young age when I lost my brother.

  Sisters' Secret, 2018.

  There is this secret that twins share, it is only known to them. This secret resonates with how I have been experiencing my connection with my bother a few years after his passing. I also feel a sense of nostalgia about wallpaper as our house's walls were covered in different wallpaper.
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  Absent presence, 2019; Still Restless, 2019; Even though I can't see you I can still feel you, 2019.
   
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  I meet you in my dreams, 2019; Memories they're fading away, 2018.
   
     
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  Siamese sisters. A part of me (Version I & II), 2019 & 2023
   
  The water represents a deeper subconscious, the place where I imagine our souls reside. The sisters are faceless here to represent the notion that we can not see what our souls looks like. In this second version the red rose is also reminiscent of blood, the red car and red shirt my brother was wearing when he died in the car accident. But even through all this unbearable trauma there's this unfathomable beauty in our connectedness.
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  The innocence of childhood, 2023.
   
  It was also only after having children myself that I could truly connect with what my parents must have gone through when my brother passed away. I felt as though I was processing his loss from the point of view of a parent. But in some ways it also makes me appreciate my own children so much more and their innocence has soften the sadness and has brought so much healing for our family. I find comfort in knowing that my brother met them before they came into our lives, and even though he is not here physically, I know he is always watching over them.