Avatãra (In progress)
Avatãra is a personal series about my pregnancy with my second child, which also happened during the pandemic. She was conceived after I had several miscarriages. Miscarriage is a very specific kind of loss. You connect with a soul and lose them again without actually meeting them. Their essence felt tangible yet I could never physically feel them. An awareness grew in me of this other worldly aspect of bringing children into this world, a connection to this “other” realm. I created this series to make this realm feel more real to me. I felt like I was honouring this soul whilst knowing that the trauma of the miscarriages left me feeling unsure if the pregnancy would be successful. It was a way for me to process the enormity of feelings that go with pregnancy especially after experiencing loss and being faced with a pandemic. I was struck by the remarkable ability of my body to house, form and develop a baby and the wonderment of this soul incarnating into being.
I was preparing for my second child to enter into this world during the pandemic. Being pregnant during the pandemic I felt bombarded by how vulnerable I was as a pregnant woman to this virus. Many pregnant women and their babies died during the third wave. I wanted to cocoon myself, my baby and my first born and yet I felt so incapable of protecting us. This was exasperated by the fact that I have suffered miscarriages before, even though I logically understood that it was not my fault. I was also emotionally holding the space for my son to prepare for becoming a big brother. My connection to this baby, to this soul that was about to enter our lives was the one thing that helped me hold it together, and it was also the one thing I was terrified of losing.
Avatãra, 2021. Self portrait
Cocoon, 2021. Self portrait with my son.